-but I just can't keep living this way.. so starting today.. I'm breaking out of this chain.

Incompetence

Screwed up so fcking bad at work today!!!! FUK! ><"

..so was at my grandma's place after work today when I received a phone call- it was from work. Thinking it was just another call regarding work shifts, I casually answered. Christine instantly replied "you screwed up real bad man.."- thinking OH SHIT WHAT HAD I DONE..

I had left the sunglasses stand outside of the shop.

.. so now i'm awaiting decision from top management. And apparently people had done it before and had been subsequently fired- but she said I'd probably get off with a warning. She kept emphasizing what a serious mistake I had made and that she was really sorry that she'd have to report to Nancy. I feel really bad though, not only because of my obvious crucial mistake, but because I also make others feel bad because of my actions.

FUCK I feel so incompetent ALL the time ><"

FML.

My Dad

It seems so weird asking my half sister questions about my dad. Even the most basic of questions that are normally known like.. does he cook? or can he even cook?..makes the fact of my ignorance?.. or perhaps oblivion.. even more stark..

I've always felt an absence of a father figure in my life.. although I have known it once upon a time, some many years ago , it remains a distant memory...

However, what I can remember of him has always remained strong and somewhat comforting- a cherished and living memory.. because the fact of existence of such a memory- hm I don't know really how to describe it.. but it's like something that you know you had, something that you've experienced before, so your kind of living by an altered perspective?- gahhh that didn't really make sense did it.. ok w/es

Anyway its that although he is off in another continent, another family to nurture and raise, living another life of his own- I will always remember him by what he had once, and continues to mean, to me.

He is after all- my Dad.

___________

On another note, my sister is turning 22 tomorrow! I am so happy for her- for coming this far in life!!..And so proud of all her achievements in life thus far; from finishing education, to climbing Mt. Everest and aiding the poor at Nepal, to finding a position at Deloitte. Although I may hate her guts most of the time- she has been such an inspiration!

Hope you have an awesome and prosperous life sis!

Run

Run, run, run away
Run, run, run away
Run, run, run away
No matter how much I run (I can’t escape from it)
Run, run, runaway
If I look back while running (You’re still there)


It’s pitch dark
The world moves on too fast
I’m the only one who’s limping on both legs
The path I must walk is endless
What’s at the end of this path ?
Are you going there knowing about it ?
Will I learn the answers if I go there with my eyes closed ?
The sky that never responds to a such question
The two arms tied up by a daily life is too heavy to embrace dreams
I’m scared, I’ve been abandoned locked away
Just for today run somewhere like your crazy

Run till you can touch the sky with your hands
Run till your heart is filled with your dreams

Everybody run, run, run away
No matter how much I run (I can’t escape from it)
Everybody run, run, runaway
If I look back while running (You’re still there)

You got me runnin’ runnin’ runnin’ around
Down, down, down
You got me runnin’ runnin’ runnin’ around
Down, down, down
You got me runnin’ runnin’ runnin’ around
Down, down, down- away
No matter how much I run, I’m still on the same spot

My life is a rainy night that rains 365 days.
Heart that gets smaller in every 24 hours.
I even hid the small comma and its tail,
Then the future that awaits me becomes a period
But carry the new day on your shoulder and run.
What am I running towards ?
Weather if the sun’s setting or I if I’m loosing
I don’t know.
But I go.
Keep on runnin’ runnin’ runnin’ high.
I’m the young star that has been abandoned by the galaxy.

Run till you can touch the sky with your hands.
Run till your heart is filled with your dreams.

Everybody run, run, run away
No matter how much I run (I can’t escape from it) .
Everybody run, run, runaway
If I look back while running (You’re still there) .

You got me runnin’ runnin’ runnin’ around.
Down, down, down.
You got me runnin’ runnin’ runnin’ around.
Down, down, down.
You got me runnin’ runnin’ runnin’ around.
Down, down, down- away
No matter how much I run, I’m still on the same spot.

You got me runnin’ runnin’ runnin’ around.
Down, down, down.
You got me runnin’ runnin’ runnin’ around.
Down, down, down.
You got me runnin’ runnin’ runnin’ around.
Down, down, down- away
No matter how much I run, I’m still on the same spot.

You got me runnin’ runnin’ runnin’ around.
Down, down, down.
You got me runnin’ runnin’ runnin’ around.
Down, down, down.
You got me runnin’ runnin’ runnin’ around.
Down, down, down- away
For you, who’s running endlessly.

Run- Epik High

Aspirations!

Currently; emotions surging and overcome with intense motivation!

I want to do LAW!
(even if it means the only means of achieving this is transferring to a shit uni cos of my shit marks)

Going to tank next semester as HARD as I can- at ALL costs! Even if it means never going out or quitting my job!


Wish I had this sudden intense motivation earlier.

I wonder if this is just a fleeting feeling or I have actually come to some sort of realization? Regardless, I feel pumped right now!!

nomnomnomnom

Forever

Currently at the state library alone, been here for quite a while actually..

Solitary confinement (Y)

Anyway got distracted by someone,.. ultimately stumbling upon your page..


I miss you, missing what we were once.. I feel like I can know so much about you yet be so distant from you.. this feeling is so saddening.

Time can change so much.

Wow been listening to this song on repeat for a few hours now O.O; Forever- Chris Brown

Reflection..

Haven't blogged in a while- ages actually.. don't know why.. perhaps I didn't find the motivation? Is it only inspiration that drives us to do something? I don't know... but something overcame me yesterday...-realization..this is it.. like someone took a part of me.. just tore it into shreds.. and im standing there.. looking at the pieces on the floor.. of what's become.. of what's left.. nothing but a still photograph.. as you fade into the background of their lives..

Always looking back.. why?

Staring at my own reflection in the mirror, a sunken feeling at the pit of my stomach.. Cliche as it sounds, I do wonder..who stares back at me? Why am i this way? Why do I always find sadness ..Why do i see sadness in everything I do.. Seems like i'm living by a set of rules i'm desperately trying to unwrite..But i'm trying to run, I honestly am... These feelings do suppress me..overwhelm me at times..

I'm constantly refreshing the page just to find something..an indication? Hidden behind the safety of a screen, staring at a piece..

I'm always trying to please, impress.. but who am i fooling? Constantly telling myself that i'm living a lie..

I do find moments of clarity at times, when I'm hanging out with friends.. people I admire.. people who give me laughter.. thoughts contained...emotions neutral at times like these..

love you guys <3
Vision's hazy, path is unclear, thoughts flailing.. watching days pass, hoping that conceptions will change with time.. so that I will find strength and a sense of content..


Sorry about the nonsensical surge of thoughts..